If you were just diagnosed with cancer, this episode was made for you. In Part One, my friend Doug DeFouw told us his story. Today I turned the conversation around and asked him about yours.
This is Part Two of my conversation with Doug. However, you do not need to have heard Part One to get something out of this one — although I would encourage you to go back and listen, because it will make today land deeper.
WHAT HE WOULD TELL HIMSELF ON DIAGNOSIS DAY
I asked Doug a question I have thought about for years. If he could sit across from himself on the day he was diagnosed, what would he say?
He did not hesitate.
“Don’t be so hard-headed and so angry. And don’t be so afraid. Reach out. There are people there. God is there. Don’t isolate yourself.”
Doug spent his first round of cancer doing the opposite of every one of those things. As a result, he knows exactly what it cost him — and he would like to spare you that.
DOUBT IS NOT THE ENEMY
Here is where Doug surprised me. When I asked what he would say to someone who is not sure they can do this, he did not tell them to stop doubting. Instead, he said doubt can be healthy.
His thinking is that questions keep us searching. Meanwhile, the moment we stop asking anything at all, we have usually slipped into complacency — and we stop learning and stop growing. Therefore, if you are full of questions right now, that is not a sign your faith is failing. It may be a sign it is alive.
What he asks of you is simply this: keep searching, keep asking, keep looking for direction, and find people who can help you find the answers.
TAKING THE FEAR OF DYING OFF THE TABLE
This was the boldest thing Doug said, and I think it is the most important.
He believes that at some point we have to face the fact that all of us die. We would like more time, and naturally we want as much of it as we can get with the people we love. Nevertheless, we are here temporarily. Doug’s point is that if you can genuinely accept that in your heart — not just nod at it — then everything else gets easier.
In his words, you actually live more.
That is not despair. Rather, it is exactly where Paul landed with Philippians 1:21.
“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” — Philippians 1:21 NIV
I call that the win-win. Whichever way it goes, you win. Additionally, once you truly believe that, the fear loses most of its grip.
WHAT HE WOULD SAY TO YOUR FAMILY
If someone you love was just diagnosed with cancer, Doug has a word for you too — and it is more direct than you might expect.
To families, he says: "Be supportive, be there, listen, understand their fears, and reassure them they are not alone." But he also says something harder. "Your own anxiety is not helping the person going through it. In fact, it can make things worse for them."
That is a tough thing to hear when you are frightened. Even so, I know it is true from my own journey. I could see my family struggling with the possibility of losing me, and while I had found some peace, they had not found theirs yet. Consequently, Doug’s advice to families is the same as his advice to patients — lean on your faith, and surrender it.
And to you, the one with the diagnosis: let them in. Open your heart. Share. Doug is honest that some people cannot handle this conversation, and when you find one of those, you have simply learned that is not your person. Keep looking for the ones who can. Because opening up releases something, and the more of that negative energy you let go, the calmer you become.
THE PART NOBODY WARNS YOU ABOUT
Doug was candid about prostate cancer specifically, and I appreciated it because this is where men go quiet.
It was hard for him to find honest information. Guys will not talk about it. Furthermore, there is a lot of misinformation waiting for you if you go searching in the wrong places. He said he wishes there were a group just for men going through it, especially younger men in their forties and fifties.
His larger point applies to every cancer there is. Treatment changes your life. It is not simply boom, I am cured, and everything goes back to how it was. Moreover, that is something a spouse needs to understand too.
Doug’s first wife was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma at eighteen years old. Back then treatment was far less targeted — they bombarded the body, knowing it could kill the cancer but not knowing the long-term effects. She lived with the repercussions for the rest of her life. Every year on her anniversary, she would get phantom symptoms and feel certain it was coming back.
Doug told me that at the time, he could sympathize but he could not truly relate. Now he can. Every time he goes in for a PSA test and waits for the result, he knows exactly what she felt.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO WITH IT?
Near the end, I shared a line that has stuck with me for years. I asked God why He let me go through so much darkness, pain, and suffering. He answered: it is so you know the way out when I send you in for someone else.
Doug said that statement is like his life.
He has carried two journeys — losing his wife at 48, then his own diagnosis within two years. Since then, people who have lost a spouse have come to him, and people facing cancer have come to him. He does not just hold their hand and promise everything will be fine. Instead, he tells them honestly what the road ahead looks like, because he has walked it.
One of his daily prayers is simply: show me what else I can do.
He describes it as leading a horse to water. Once he gets someone there, God takes it from there. He is just helping to lead the way.
IF YOU WERE JUST DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER TODAY
Doug’s closing words were for you.
Do not be afraid to have your moments — sometimes you need them. Then educate yourself, understand what you are facing, and ask your doctors questions. Most importantly, reach out and find people to talk to, especially in your church if there is a cancer group available. There are people who have walked this, and the more you know, the easier the road becomes.
And ultimately, trust God. Lean on your faith. He will see you through this.
YOU ARE NEVER ALONE
No matter what you are facing on your journey with cancer or in life, remember: you are NEVER ALONE. Jesus and the Holy Spirit are always with you and ready to help. All you have to do is ask, give it all to Jesus, and let Him go to work.
May God bless you — and thank you for listening.
Doug's story is inspirational, resonated with me, and should be heard by anyone (or family member or friend) who has encountered unexpected bad news. I greatly appreciated the thoughtful honestly throughout the presentations. This chronicle of unanticipated, life changing obstacles will be enlightening to all whose lives have been disrupted by an unforeseen upheaval and questioned God's involvement. God's presence in both your lives is a great reminder of his love and dominion over each and every one of us. Thank you Doug and Blaine. God bless you both.