There is a moment right after a diagnosis when almost every one of us does the same thing. We start facing cancer alone — not because anyone abandoned us, but because we quietly decide that is how it has to be. We stop returning calls. We keep the details vague. And we tell ourselves we are protecting everybody else.

I did it. Doug DeFouw did it. Furthermore, in the years I have known Doug DeFouw in our cancer support group, I have watched more people do it than I can count.

THE FIRST THING I WANTED WAS TO BE LEFT ALONE

When I was diagnosed in January of 2017, my instinct was not to gather people around me. Honestly, it was the opposite. I wanted to burrow in, get my arms around the thing, and figure it out before I let anyone see me shaken.

That instinct feels responsible. However, it is one of the most dangerous things we do to ourselves.

Doug said something in our conversation that I have not been able to shake. When he was first diagnosed, he closed all the doors. Meanwhile, he had just lost his wife to cancer the year before, and he had three kids who had just lost their mom. If anyone had a reason to reach for help, it was him. Instead, he got angry, pulled away from God, and decided to carry it by himself.

He went through his entire first round of cancer that way.

WHY FACING CANCER ALONE FEELS SAFER - AND WHY IT IS NOT

I think there are three reasons we do this, and none of them are as noble as we pretend.

We do not want to be a burden. Everyone around us has their own life, their own worries, and their own hard things. Consequently, we decide our diagnosis would be an imposition, so we keep it small and manageable and ours.

We do not want to say it out loud. As long as you have not told people, some part of you gets to keep believing it is not entirely real yet.

We think we are supposed to be strong. This one runs deep, especially for men. Doug talked about how hard it was to find honest information about prostate cancer, simply because guys will not talk about it with each other. Nevertheless, the silence does not make anybody stronger. It just makes everybody more alone.

Here is the truth underneath all three: facing cancer alone does not reduce the weight. It only removes the people who would have helped you carry it.

WHAT DOUG FOUND WHEN HE FINALLY REACHED OUT

Eight years after his surgery, Doug’s numbers started climbing again. That second diagnosis hit him harder than the first — and this time he did something different. He asked his church cancer support group.

They connected him with a cancer support group, and what he found there changed everything. He met people who were battling cancer, some of them for years. Yet their faith was not shrinking under the weight. As a matter of fact, it was growing. New diagnosis, new side effect, and their trust in God went up instead of down.

Doug told me it amazed him. Moreover, it did something he had not expected. It pulled him back to God.

That is worth sitting with for a second. He did not reason his way back. He did not read the right book or hear the right sermon. Rather, he sat in a room with people who were further down the road than he was, and their faith became contagious.

I am convinced this is one of the main ways God works. We wait for the dramatic revelation, the voice, the sign. Instead, God tends to send people.

THE ONES AROUND YOU ARE CARRYING IT TOO

The Ones Around You Are Carrying It Too

There is a second half to this that Doug named, and I want you to hear it.

When you are the one with cancer, it is natural to think of it as your diagnosis. Still, it is not only yours. Doug realized later that his kids were going through it too — they had just buried their mother, and now their dad had cancer. When he remarried, his wife was carrying a fear of her own that he could see.

So the isolation cuts both ways. While you are protecting them from your fear, they are sitting on the other side of that door with their own, and nobody is saying anything.

Letting people in is not weakness. Ultimately, it is the thing that lets everybody stop pretending.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” — Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

ONE STEP, NOT TEN

I am not going to tell you to go pour your heart out to everyone you know. That is not realistic, and honestly it is not wise. Doug made a point I thought was exactly right: some people you simply cannot talk to about this. When you find one of those, you have learned something useful — that is not your person. Keep looking.

But find one. One friend, one group, one pastor, one person who has already walked this road. Ask for prayer even if you are not sure you believe it does anything yet. Doug did not reach out for prayer the first time. Then he did the second time, and he will tell you the difference was not small.

If you could sit across from Doug today and ask him what he would tell himself on the day he was diagnosed, here is what he said: Don’t be so hard-headed and so angry. Don’t be so afraid. Reach out. There are people there. God is there. Don’t isolate yourself.

He learned that the hard way, so you do not have to.

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE

If you have been quietly facing cancer alone, I want you to know that the door you closed can be opened again. Doug closed his for years. Even so, it opened.

No matter what you are facing on your journey with cancer or in life, remember: you are NEVER ALONE. Jesus and the Holy Spirit are always with you and ready to help. All you have to do is ask, give it all to Jesus, and let Him go to work.

May God bless you — and thank you for reading.

Listen to the Podcast - Faith Through Prostate Cancer - Doug's Story of Not Walking Alone