There is a question I still cannot answer with complete certainty, even today — and it sits at the heart of what finding peace in a cancer journey really means.

On the day of my first surgery, lying in a hospital bed after four hours on the operating table, facing news I was not prepared for — was I at peace, or had I simply given up?

I have thought about that question many times since. And what I have come to believe is this: it does not matter. Because either way, I was doing the one thing God was waiting for me to do.

I was surrendering.

What Happened That Day

My surgery was supposed to take three hours. It took over four. While I was on the operating table — completely at peace, trusting that God had gotten me this far through miracle after miracle — my wife Lorrie and my daughter were in the waiting room going through something very different.

Past the three-hour mark, they started hearing code blue announcements over the loudspeaker in the surgery center. Since I had already gone past my scheduled time, their minds went exactly where you would expect. Fear, uncertainty, and doubt — what I call FUD — took over. Even for two strong believers in Jesus, that waiting room was a very hard place to be.

When I was brought up to my room afterward, I did not know any of this yet. I was just grateful to be out of surgery and still not fully understanding what had happened.

Then Dr. Lin came in.

THE NEWS I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR

He told us the surgery went well but that he did not think he had gotten it all. The tumor was too large — a monster the size of a tennis ball — and there is only so much you can do in one surgery. He estimated he removed about 90 to 95 percent of it and would need to go back in.

But that was not the part that stopped my heart.

He said he was not yet sure he would be able to save my bladder.

Wait, what? That was not in the plan.

My mind immediately went to the darkest places. What does life look like without a bladder? How do you stay active, go hiking, play with your grandkids? All I could envision was a completely different life — one I did not want. The thoughts were continuous and relentless.

Everything came down to one question: had the cancer penetrated the muscle wall of my bladder? If it had, the bladder would have to come out. If it had not, it could stay. One test result. Everything riding on it.

FINDING PEACE IN A CANCER JOURNEY - WHAT LORRIE DID

While I lay in that hospital bed, Lorrie went to work. She was the real prayer warrior in our family. Not only did she pray hard herself, but she also rallied everyone around us — friends, family, our churches — to pray specifically that the cancer had not gone into the muscle wall. Lorrie was relentless, in action, making things happen while I lay in the hospital.

I want to pause here and say something to every caregiver reading this. What Lorrie did in those days is one of the most powerful acts of faith I have ever witnessed. When you are the one in the waiting room, the one making calls, the one holding everything together while someone you love is in surgery — that is not a lesser role. That is its own kind of courage. And God sees every bit of it.

The Question I Cannot Fully Answer

While Lorrie was rallying everyone to pray, I was lying there with something that felt like peace. But I could not tell you with certainty whether it was genuine peace — or whether I was simply so beaten up from surgery that I had nothing left to fight with.

I still cannot answer that today.

But here is what I have come to believe: it does not matter. Because both lead to the same place. Both are surrender.

Surrender Is Not Giving Up

If I were so exhausted that I could not fight anymore, I would surrender. And when we surrender, God is there to catch us. He knows we cannot win every battle. He knows we will reach our lowest points, and He is there at exactly those moments to carry what we cannot.

And if I were truly at peace — the kind that comes from trusting God completely — that is surrender too. As Proverbs 3:5-6 reminds us, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Submit. Surrender. Trust. These are not the words of defeat. These are the words of someone who has finally found the right foundation.

Finding peace in a cancer journey does not come from having all the answers. It does not come from knowing how the story ends. It comes from releasing your grip on the outcome and placing it in the hands of the one who is ultimately in control.

Surrender is not giving up. It is giving it up to God. And in my experience, that is the most powerful thing any of us can do.

Finding Peace in a Cancer Journey - One Day at a Time

John 16:33 says, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart — I have overcome the world." He did not promise a smooth road. He promised He has already won. When I could truly rest in that — surrender everything to it, not just the convenient parts — that is when lasting peace became possible.

As my journey continued from that hospital room, I learned one more thing that carried me through everything that followed. Matthew 6:34: "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

If I had looked at the full road ahead — more surgeries, more waiting, more unknowns — I would have been overwhelmed. And I was, in the moments I let myself look that far forward. But one day at a time, with Jesus beside me every hour, was something I could actually do.

That is what I want you to take from this. Not that the journey gets easy — it does not. But that you do not have to carry all of it at once. You only have to carry today. And you do not have to carry even that alone.

He is with you. Every step. Every hour. Every day.

You are never alone.

If this resonated with you, I invite you to listen to Part Three of my story on the Never Alone Faith Over Cancer podcast. I go deeper into both God Moments, speak directly to caregivers, and share what I learned about FUD — fear, uncertainty, and doubt — and why having those feelings does not make you any less of a believer. 

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST...Blaine's Story - Part Three - Surgery, Prayer, and Peace